I'm not gay.
I'm really not. Josh... he was just a release of sexual frustrations due to me not being confident enough to ask a girl out. I have liked girls all along, and like I said before... I was just too big of a wimp to even ask one out. Because I never had a girlfriend, and my clothes which my bought me and didn't know my size, I was percieved as gay. When I was not. Finally, I got tired of being called it, even though I wasn't really called it that much. So... I "came out of the closet." Bad decision. Now much of the school thinks I'm a fag, and on top of that, some of my friends do also. When I thought it was a good idea, I made myself look even more gay than I already did with my mother-bought clothes. I started talking like a fag, etc. I'm not a faggot. I'm not.
That decision back in early April was the worst one of my life. I tricked myself into believing I was until just a couple of weeks ago. I am -not- gay. I am straight. I do not get off on gay porn. The only time I did was when I forced myself to do it. I thought I was gay, and I told my friends so I tried my hardest to be it. I'm not a faggot, and I never will be. My clothes are a product of my mothers; now that I'm allowed to go to the store and get my own since I have my license, I can get my own damn clothes now. No more being labelled a faggot, flamer, gay, or whatever the hell rednecks say I am. I'm not. I'm not a fucking faggot. If anyone still thinks I am, I will kick their asses. Fuck, I even told people I didn't even know that I was... I'm such a dumbass.
You don't know how pissed I am at myself for making such a shitty decision. And I'm mad at myself again, because I actually tried to make myself look like faggot. I'm almost on the verge of trying to get my mom to switch my schools so I start off with a clean slate, and a good reputation. I can't do the sport that I like anymore. I enjoyed wrestling a lot, and I think that if I had not made such a dumbass decision back in April, I'd join again, and get good at it. Now I've closed myself off on all of the sports because of it.
I do like girls. I actually have a crush on three. I really like Audrey Lait... but she a boyfriend, which fucking sucks, since I've liked her ever since I met her in Drivers Ed. I like Courtney Hewitt, too, but I -think- she still has a boyfriend, but I'm not sure. If she doesn't, then fuck, I'll ask her out. And Michelle Steinbach... we have very similar personalities, and she's awesome, and I like her, too.
Lately, ever since the 4th, I've been working out a lot. I'm tired of being a skinny shit, and I want to bulk up a lot. So that nobody will mess with me, and to boost up my confidence. I already have a nice ass face. If I put up a couple more pounds of muscle, I'll be damn near perfect.
Meh, I also want to join the Marines. I've always wanted to, ever since I was twelve. I'm smart, mesomorphic, I can learn easily, and I'm trying to learn Arabic, Farsi and Spanish so I can get an awesome job in the USMC. Mainly Infantry, since I want to kill insurgents, help make Iraq a better place, etc. Every time a soldier over there dies, I want to join more and more. To get their revenge on the worthless cowardly insurgency over there. Fucking sand niggers.
My mom won't let me buy a gun, but I really want one. I'm against hunting, and all I'd have it for was for self-defense, and target practice and such. She's too liberal, and she doesn't trust me due to my past drug usage, which wasn't even all that bad. I only did Crack, Ectasy, DXM a couple of times, Dimenhydrinate a couple of times, Weed a couple of times [orgasm booster. >:O], and Codeine. It's not like I did a lot, and got addicted. And I've cleaned myself up, and will become completely clean at the start of my Junior year. I'll only smoke weed to jack off with, and maybe do Dimenhydrinate again. That was some creepy shit right there.
I'm going to buy a punching bag, and hang it up in my garage by my weight machine - it'll be the a 50 or 70lbs bag. I'll also be buying Creatine and Whey Protein to speed up my muscle growth. I can already see my pecs getting bigger. But what I really need are bigger dumbbells. My biceps aren't too big; only about 13" or 13.5". I'm pretty broad shouldered, though, so it's kind of weird looking. Shoulders are my strong point on my body, next to my 9" dick.
And Josh. You're such a little bitch. You cried when I took you home one day; you pouted another. You're a little attention-wanting faggot whore. If I see you next year, don't think I won't beat the shit out of you. My family thinks you're a pussy, and so do I. Be sure to avoid me. Since you'll probably end up in the hospital if I see you. You're a mark on my reputation, and because of you, I will never be able to enjoy my high school years as much I have wanted. I'm going to beat the fucking hell out of you. I can't believe I fucking "became gay" for you. I'm not gay, and I never will be, so fuck you. I want to fucking kill you.
So, yeah. To summarize...
*Josh, don't come near me or else I'll be the living flying fuck out of you.
*I'm going to buy Creatine and Whey Protein - muscle supplements.
*I'm going to start bodybuilding since lifting weights is almost like an addiction.
*Weed is great when you want to jack off.
*I'M NOT GAY.
*I'M NOT GAY.
*I'm going to join the Marine Corps after high school, take a college class per year while I'm in it so I'll have a college education. I may even do a re-enlistment. That or become and officer once I get my degree.
*I like Audrey, Courtney, and Michelle.
btw, there're a lot of typos in here but I don't give a shit.